Bearing down

There's a break coming up. If I can but grit my teeth and GET IT DONE I get to think about nothing for three whole weeks! Yeah, right. 

First, there's a lot to do to finish this up - some of it needs a little attention, some of it a lot. I'm trying hard, but perhaps not hard enough - I just don't know. 

Perhaps it's perfectly normal to feel completely, totally and utterly inadequate in these circumstances - you know, when the shit is hitting the fan and you remember that your umbrella is broken. I shall have to ask my fellow students.

So anyway, I'm gritting my teeth. I'm bearing down. I'm preparing for the final push. 

Yep, the baby's on its way!

J

Disagreements

As much as you learn in school I believe that life teaches you more. The trick is being open to it - being receptive. I find myself listening a lot here - fifth-wheel syndrome, if you will - with agreement and disagreement, depending on the need. 

There are good things being taught here, but there are also the follies of youth - the incompleteness of cognition. Radical (in some cases) beliefs born of partial education. 

Today was a case in point. The discussion revolved around our values - "who we are". Not cogito ergo sum, but what we believe and why. One student was of the belief - if I understood correctly - that 'we are what we do'; a position that was apparently already in contradiction of the 'you are what you have' beliefs espoused by her parents - see the Book of Possessions, Chapter One, Verse One. Her way out of that very shallow, ignoble, materialist viewpoint was noble, but it was restricting. 

I appreciated what she was saying, though, and tried to reinforce it with the notion that we're far more than what we have - that what we possess is only borrowed and temporary at that. I tried to aver that what we think we own is incidental at best, irrelevant at worst. 

It's true: some people do define themselves by what they have, but I believe they are misguided, and that even a small amount of contemplation in or before their frail dotage will inevitably bring them to that conclusion. 

I tried to impart something that I have learned: that we are a product in fact of everything. Everything we have felt, everything we have heard or seen, everything we have learned, been taught, inferred or extrapolated. Every smell we've ever noticed has influenced our thinking - possibly for a very long time - the music we have decided to love, the writing we enjoy, the poetry we've written or read, the channels we watch, the things that make us sing and those that make us cry. Our angst-givers, our joy-bringers, our anger-makers. Contemplations, reactions, deliberations - all - ALL - serve as the backdrop to what we believe, how we feel, decisions we make, how we react to stimuli, what gives us pain or joy, and so - who we are.

I will readily grant you: age has taken its toll on my thinking. The lustre is off the old diamond, the youthful idealism is all gone and university's not changing that one bit - not because I'm incapable of changing but because it's not showing me anything that suggests I should change. If anything, I'm bringing my experience to bear on discussions that might otherwise proceed simplistically. I'm not saying that's good or bad, just that it provides perspective and that there's a depth in my perception that does not - cannot - exist for young people. I've seen more and heard more than any of them, and this fact alone makes my beliefs and values different. Not right or wrong, just different.

Because we are all a product of our experiences. 

J

The big blow

It's Monday morning, and it has just occurred to me that this is basically the last week of class. Unbelievable! Now doth the heart beat faster as the realization of impending doom, er, deadlines hits me hard at last.

Of course, it doesn't help that today I have the germ of one of my headaches. It's weather-related this time - you see, yesterday it was 13C but we had force one hurricane winds through - trees down, trucks blown over, roofs blown off - that sort of thing. Then last night it snowed, and the pressure differences required to make that sort of thing happen just play havoc with my head. 

Some days it gets really bad, but today I hope to be too busy studying to think about pain. If it doesn't work out that way I'll have to make up the time because - refer to above - there's only so much time left. It's a conundrum.

Well, now je mange, and then, off to do some secondary research.

J

A pastoriori

Would you believe there are only two more weeks of classes left? It seems like only yesterday I was at orientation, getting used to the environment, using all my energy just to say hello. I know I felt self-conscious to begin with - being the only fartster in the class - but that didn't last long and now all I get is an occasional twinge when someone looks at me sideways in the library - registering my greying locks - perhaps for a moment wondering what in Sam Hill I'm doing there. I just pretend I'm a grad student working on a dissertation or something, and the twinge goes away.

I'm working hard on my studies. I have left, what, one large report, one minor exam, two quizzes and two more exams? I seem to be making friends and breaking them. The T/A in GNST doesn't seem to like me - oh well - but I've been invited by some students into their study group for the GNST exam. Hard to believe I had to wait 'til 46 to become one of the cool kids.

Can't bitch too much about the weather either. One little cold spot in the last two months, but mostly reasonable. I don't think that weather contributed to the cold I picked up in week two - by the way, I'm still coughing a little - just as I predicted. That, as I believe I mentioned at the time, is how colds go with me.

I never did pick up the Gauntlet thing again. A few things at play there: I guess I'm a sensitive old duck when it comes to my writing - because I work so hard at it - and I don't like going to all the trouble of doing the interview and spending four hours writing the piece, being told it's perfect, then not recognizing it when it hits print. Read: a fundamental disagreement on the role of the editor.

Another thing at play is the F-bomb; they want it, and I don't need it. I don't want it anywhere near my writings. I know, it's a youth thing - pressing the envelope, stretching the limits - but last I heard they were having trouble securing advertisers. I wonder why...

Well, got to go make my bed now.

J

Deep dip

No, I'm not talking about myself, though you would be forgiven for thinking so. I'm talking about yesterday and where it stood on the roller coaster.

There was a long climb, a jerk, a slow apex and a long, screaming-fast descent into the abyss. Then there was a plateau - a long rest, five hours in the waiting room - as I waited to get out and move on to the next ride. Actually it was a tough day.

But that's enough of that metaphor.

I keep hoping my blog will become more analytical - right now it's opinion at best, invective at worst. Of course, it's part personal journey, so it must have some personal elements.

As far as that goes, I think of Plato's Allegory of the Cave and wonder where I am right now. Let's look at it. First, I'm aware that the cave exists. Second, I'm aware that sunlight exists. Ok, good start - I'm ahead of those other guys.

Am I chasing the sunlight? Some would say that just by being in the halls of learning I am chasing the sunlight. But am I nevertheless enslaved - shackled? Staring uselessly at my images on the provided wall? Pretty much.

So when does enlightenment begin? When do I get to see sunlight? Is all of life spent in the Cave? Am I - are we - doomed to a lifetime in the cave, satisfied with what we are shown? How do we get out? Must we be shown out, or can we find our own way? Is our own Hell tied up in satisfaction, or dissatisfaction?

Is God running the projector?

J

Waiting

There's something singular about hanging around in hospital waiting rooms. Truth be known, it sucks - especially in the cancer clinic. Especially in this waiting room, which at 6 x 11 is obviously intended for five people, not the ten they've got chairs for.

I'm not looking for sympathy at all, but it's difficult to do this kind of thing and study at the same time. It's also difficult to write an exam on the same day you have to do something like this. The only thing that could make it more difficult is if I were the one being prepped for treatment. I'm not, but it's still difficult.

Exams. People... What's wrong with sitting still after an exam and waiting for time to expire? What's wrong with respecting your fellow students' right to an atmosphere that's conducive to concentration? If that can't be done then what's wrong with the idea of leaving quietly? Packing up and going "quietly" - not banging your desk, scraping your feet, talking to your friends, again - respecting your fellow students' right to quiet?

Does anyone think this way anymore? I went and spoke to a Department Head after that exam this morning - I was some pissed, let me tell you. He told me that the quick students demand the right to get on with their day after writing their paper and it's not their fault I'm so goddamned slow. Well, he didn't say those words exactly, but that's what he meant. He suggested that I try to make arrangements though disability to write my exams in a quiet environment, or to arrange to write it during a Prof's office hours so that the level of noise can be controlled a bit better. That made me feel great. I'm not disabled -Ii just want peace and quiet. What is so unreasonable about that?

I told him i don't have a problem with people leaving after writing a quiz, but when the whole course hinges on that exam I think a person should be allowed to concentrate on doing their best, regardless of another person's need to play video games!

Oh, listen to me. I sound like an old fart. I guess I'm just not feeling very generous at the moment.

J

What's that noise?

That? Oh, that's the sound of the blood rushing through my head. It's the heady feeling one gets when one suffers the realization that one doesn't have the answer to one of the quiz questions before one.

At such moments are reputations hung. On such reasoned, seasoned extrapolative assessments do degrees depend. At such times are - nay - must be called upon the reconstructive skills of one's distant past. In such frames of reference do we call to question our abilities as old farts to remember anything, let alone what we must.

I promise to put this tense to bed for good. Starting now.

J

Ups and downs

Has anyone else noticed the roller coaster ride of emotions that is this university experience? It's ups and downs in the true sense of the phrase!

Example: I'm given an assignment and I think "I can do that". Then I'm given another, and another, and another and before you know it when I sit down at my desk to actually get it all done, I don't know where to start.

That can be frustrating so it becomes a process of carefully weighing and balancing first the breadth of the assignment, then the relative difficulty, then the due date, and in truly finite calculations how I'm already doing in the course, and finally - what the heck I can stomach at that moment.

If I'm a good boy I pick the most difficult assignment first. If I'm not, I procrastinate and do the plum job, reasoning that - hey, it's all progress!

I must say that for the most part I've been a good boy this year, though there have been days...

Ultimately it must all be done. Stomach churning, even the ugly jobs must be completed. Forge ahead, that's the ticket. Surge onward. Attack!

I want to form a procrastinators club, but I keep putting it off.

James m

Back and forth

I haven't blogged much lately, as you've probably noticed. Truth is, I've had a cold and the last part of my colds is always the horrible cough. Frankly, it hurts to talk. It hurts to talk so I didn't blog for a while. I took a break. I've been studying my atch off, saving my lungs, and concentrating on my journal. It's hard to do both when you're feeling slammed all the time.

Let's see - an update. Arky exam Tuesday. GNST exam set - all done now but the hard work, the weeping and the gnashing of teeth. 283 midterm was Monday this week - okeydokey. 201: quiz on Saturday and I already did the critique to make up for the last quiz - thanks teach! 363 - round two and now I'm set to interview over at YYC on Friday morning. Plenty to do: ooh la la!

I've made a few sporadic resolutions pertaining to the way I've been feeling lately - not only with the cold etc, but generally. It's so easy to fall into the trap of being miserable and getting irritable, and for that irritation to morph into rage. It's easy to rail at the world when you think it's against you. Easy but unproductive.

It's much harder to take the world in stride - to accept what comes as a lesson of some kind or a symbol for something else. Staying calm, cool and collected is much, much harder than showing anger all the time. Ask me - I'm an expert. So I've resolved to be far "cooler" in my approach to stresses. After, all - it doesn't do me any good to be reactive - no matter how justified some might believe it to be. No. It's not me to be that way, and if I've figured anything out since I've been in school it's that I need to stay true to my own abilities.

Oh darn. I'm tired and I think I'm going to fall a zzz ZZZ zzz ZZZ zzz.

J

Love

We talked about love in general studies today, and it was established with some exceptions that love doesn't actually exist. Love is nothing but a physiological attraction between two people meeting a functional need in the empirical world. Love is a convenience - a consideration - conditional on behaviors and attitudes.

Of course, I disagree with this.

I think love is a great deal more than that. I'm not talking about how it starts or how it's consummated - I'm talking about what it is - about what kind of force in our species and ours alone can bring and keep people together who may have no other reason or need to be together. I'm talking about what intangible force can endure between two people despite reason - despite hardship and travail. I'm talking about that perfect selflessness which transcends personal need and ambition and dotes only on the object of affection, to the exclusion and even sacrifice of all else.

Of course, some suggest that love can be commodified, that it can be measured in carats; that it's quantifiable, and can be carried around in a pouch or bag (presumably depending on how many carats there are.) I also disagree with this.

Some think that love is not unconditional, but that it can be abandoned at the slightest sign of hardship or challenge. These people perhaps also believe that mistakes can never be forgiven, and that restlessness equals dissatisfaction equals an obligation to seek change. This might explain ever-balooning divorce rates in the world as fewer and fewer people bother to work through their problems.

I suppose I was witnessing the young person's perspective - that everything is measurable and quantifiable and understandable, and that everything in life can be reduced to coin or belief. A perspective that puts everything in perfect order because it must be that way - because that is the only way it can be studied. That says the empirical is something that must be controlled to be enjoyed.

Speaking as an old fart I can tell you that this is wrong, but what am I going to do? I felt the same way when I was younger - back when I "had the world by its tail", so I can hardly complain about it. I grew through it, though, in a purification by fire. I soon figured out that mankind has no more answers now than they did 10,000 years ago. I also figured out that the drive to figure things out is what sets us apart from the animals. The beat goes on.

In the case of love, of course, what goes on is the heartbeat.

J

Dog days

Ok, I think I can officially say that these are the dog days of the fall semester. I've had a couple of relatively quiet days since the last round of quizzes - the results are still to come in. Every lecture brings new information which I know will be on the next quiz or exam, and oh by the way the next paper is due in five days and the next round of exams starts in under three weeks. At the same time the old demons start floating around - the poking, prodding, nasty, laughing at me with malice not kindness demons, questioning and making me question why I'm even here. AND, tonight it's supposed to snow. I can't think of anything I like less than snow - nothing will ever irk me quite like snow does.

Don't mind me; I had a rough day yesterday. I had the weirdest headache - severe pressure all over my scalp, but no real pain! Coffee didn't fix it. Food didn't fix it. Ultimately by about 4pm I think it was a combination of fresh air, adrenaline, and distraction that fixed it. Sadly, distraction is not something I need right now.

The early morning thing is good. I know that I would not be as disciplined if I were staying home - there would be too many other things to do. But I need fewer days like yesterday. If I can have fewer days like yesterday I should be ok. Yesterday, other than the lecture, was basically a throw-away.

And that's what today will be, too, if I don't get to class!

J

The game is on

I should know better than to go to Flames games. It seems like every time I go they really don't play well, and that's a massive under statement. They lost last night, and I had good seats, too.

It's like my car. The forecast can say sunny skies for the next week, but as soon as I wash my car it almost always rains or snows. And then there's the weather man with egg on his face saying "Look, it only rained over James's house!"

Some would say this is fatalistic. Some would say it's defeatist. I say Nyet to both of those. I say it's calling a spade a spade, because for me it's how it seems to work.

I had a late night and I'm here already at 645am. I have a throbbing headache and the coffee shop's not yet open. Forgive me: I'm here, but I'm really not yet here.

J